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what do you do when the person you could tell antyhing to, or go to when things were down is almost gone.
I say almost gone, because you see she is on life suport.  A machine is breathing for her.  So you see my delma, The one I need so desperlty to speak to I cant.  Do you know why I cant talk to her?  Well you kinda know already but you see the reason she is like that, thats the real problem.  She has done this all to her self, with out a thought of what it does to every one else.  Expecially me....

I really need to talk to her right now.  I just got off the phone with her doctor and she wanted to know what to do if her heart was to stop.  Right then I felt like mine was going to stop.  I did everything in my power not to cry. 
All I could say was just to keep her alive right now.  What am I supose to say? 
I mean really thats my fuckin mom. 
Dont let her die! 
But....theres always a fuckin but!  I love her so much, why did she have to do all this to her self, im sure ill never know or understand. 
How do you know when to let go?
These are all questions I need the answers to.  I have no clue what to do.  Do I let them make that choice for me.  I dont know if I am capable to make the choises.

I feel like I want to drive and drive, not think about anything....you know you really cant do it but you want to.  If I drive and I listen to music that makes me think, I know thats why I want to drive.  It makes it easyer to listen to music and let things come out.  Right now my feelings are stuck, there some where between lost, hurt, pissed off....lonely. 

I am at a lose of how to feel or act, ive been writing all day trying to figure out excatly how I feel and what I should do.  No anwers yet, though it has passed the time pretty well. 

Im waiting....till the time my cell rings and its the phone call I want the least.  I though I was gonna pass out when the doctor called to ask me what to do if her heart was to stop.  I havent talked to any one since that phone call.  If I open my mouth to start talking, im sure I will make no since at all.  And I will cry, I dont want to cry again. Ive done enough and im sure it will come but right now I dont want to cry.  I dont want my kids to see me cry and ask me why. 

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Its really awful I think, that I have to wonder how I really feel about the person who brought me into this world. I cant even grasp the concept some times that she was my mother. That she really loved me, I know she did deep inside. But some times I wonder how she could do all the things she has done, and still have love for some one other than the drugs and lies she held so dear to her heart. Why she did these things. Yeah he life wasn't that bad. Her own mother was a alcoholic and things where not always great. She had a great father, my grandpa, i loved that man soooo much. It almost killed all of us the day he died. It was almost the death of me knowing he was gone and the only normal one of us was gone. And the dream I had the night before he died. Talk about making some one go crazy, Im shaking now thinking about it. Maybe I will talk about that later im not sure. And if I do you will know why I feel this way. Well see...... Now on to whats on my mind at the moment. I just called the hospital where my mom is. Where she is locked to a machine that keeps her alive. It breaths for her, artificial breaths. ugh, Is all I can think. I love her god damnit, and I cant handle the fact that at any moment her brain could tell her body to stop her beating heart. Then they would have to put those machine paddles on her chest and shock her. I have told them to try 3 times if it comes to that. My daughters step mom is a RN who use to work with HIV/aids patients and she told me that was best. That if they don't come back after the 3rd time, there is usually no hope and if they do come back, that there can be all kids of damage done to the brain. WOW, fuck.....you know I don't know how im doing all this. I saw my mom just recently after I really long time of not seeing her. I saw her in 99 after she was discharged from a treatment center for drinking. She was like 80 pounds, she had fucked her body up so bad at that point. She had HIV and didn't even know it. I found out in 2001 that she was HIV positive. Damn here it is 2008 and yes my moms still alive, But is she really my mom now. Is she in there any more. Shes not the mom I knew all those years ago. Shes not the mom I knew right before I saw her in 1995, That's when I ran away from my abusive dad and step mom. To be with a mom that I thought would take care of me. Instead I was greeted by a mom who gave me a bottle of vodka and a sprite. WOW, you know at first I thought cool....but a few days went by and I never saw my mom again. Next time I saw her, was when I saw her walking out of the treatment center in 1999. By that time, my life was sooo fucked up. I had a kid that I wasn't allowed to live with me. I was lonely, had no family around because I had left all my family to be with her. I ran away from VA, to Orlando Fl. To be with her, now I was watching her walk out of the treatment center skin and bones.....In Bangor Maine. in the womb dark as night your loving arms, never a fear dancing in the streets, under the moon light all the letters, your warmth that I felt from afar the phone calls, told me you loved me you never forgot me, I came to you that's when it all went down hill your demon showed its ugly face drugs over me now your almost gone cant even hear your voice don't know if I can see you again i love you mom I know im jumping around a lot, but that's all my brain will do at the moment. Its really hard for me to put aside my feelings and thoughts towards my mom and make the right choice. Is there a right choice? I really have no clue about that. I wonder, is there ever really a "right" choice and a "wrong" one. I mean no one ever knows for sure whats gonna happen if you do this or you do that. I wish I could be up there and see her, to touch her face and ask her to please stop doing this to her self. Im just as bad, I could have told her how I felt along time ago, But I loved her and I didn't want her to think she was doing bad things, even now I know she knew she was. I was the only one to never give her a hard time. I take the blame some what for letting her get so bad. I mean I could have told her not to call me again until she was no longer doing ANY drugs, but no....I couldn't be strong and tell her she HAD to stop. Instead I just didn't call her. Im sure that helped a lot, but no one will ever know....that im sure of. I really do love her, and this hurts like hell. She is only 47 years old, and laid up in the hospital on her death bed. I was looking into some stuff about if she did die. How would I handle her burial, or what not. Well they only thing I could afford would be if she was cremated. Ii would cost like 1000 dollars. Wow, I don't even know what she would have wanted. We never talked about this stuff, NEVER. And now she is isolated to her self, because of her self. And Im doing all this with out her. Some times I get angry but who can blame me. I shouldn't have to worry about this, not this way anyways. I think if she does pass away, I will take some of her ashes to my grandpa's grave in Va and put some there. Im not sure what else or even If I would put them any where else. No clue, I just wish I didnt have to think about all this. And the flooding memories that are invading my thought process. There coming fast and with emotion's. That I would really care not to feel at the moment. How can some one claim to love me the way she claimed. And a moment later, doing the thing that hurt me the most. Its really funny how one minute, I know she means every word she says, but the moment passes so fast. The only thing on her mind is her next escape. I guess it must feel good, to good!
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